Hi readers You may have seen my www.bikernanny.com blog or my you tube blogs but I'm a man who has worked with challenging teens in a professional capacity for the past 14 years. I run and own my own children's homes and school. I worked with the countries most challenging teens. Guys their is no quick fix but their is a right way and a wrong way. You need lots of tools in the box and need to be consistent with your structure and boundaries. You need to include the teen in the decision making as it will not work without them taking part. You need to have a consequential environment and stick to your guns.
I know you can do this as I know I changed behaviours in the most challenging teens in the UK and kept them out of jail.
If you need help keep asking, you'll get the advice, don't suffer in silence.
My 16 year old son wants to go to a party. I have asked him for a landline number and address where the party will be and also who is going.
He has refused! I have said no.
He is very angry, swearing and shouting, i don't want him to have friends etc
he has no money of his own, I work, on low wages and will have to provide any finance he needs for taxi etc (I dont drive). When he behaves like this I feel resentful giving him anything...can anyone advise please.
You have to pick your battles but I have the same rule for my 15 year old daughter (who thinks she's about 25).
After a fairly harrowing year which has involved her lying on numerous occasions, holding a party with alcohol without adult supervision (one of the occasions when there was some major lying going on), getting drunk, smoking and, apparently, on one occasion trying weed not realising what it was "but I didn't like it"), I have put some non-negotiable rules in place.
On the one hand, I give her quite a lot of freedom so that I've got something to withdraw if she doesn't stick to the non-negotiable rules. E.g. As a year 11, school says she's allowed to go off the premises in lunch hour if they have parental permission. Following foul behaviour on Sunday afternoon (although she had been allowed 5 friends at our house until midnight on Friday, and had a friend sleep over on Saturday) she stormed off on her bike and refused to come home and do her homework. Luckily, the mother of the girl where she was called me to let me know where she was. I emailed her head of year to withdraw the permission and she had to stay in school for 3 consecutive lunch times.
She knows she has to apologise but isn't always sincere in which case we go back to square one. On the other hand, I do show empathy. When I held out the olive branch on Tuesday morning (I don't want to live in a war zone and I don't think you do either), she grabbed it and wanted a cuddle! I said "It's difficult being a teenager, isn't it?" and she declared it was a nightmare.
The difficult thing to remember is that their brains are literally re-wiring and they don't understand their own behaviour. She tries to intimidate me with tantrum-type behaviour but I've pointed out that's being a bully and she didn't like to think of herself that way.
One of the non-negotiable rules is that if she's going to someone's house, I want the landline number and I want to know the address of where she's going.
It helps to get to know the other parents wherever you can. Not all will show solidarity but a lot are grateful to be in touch with you.
Don't expect your teenager to like your rules but do stick to them. That gives them something safe to kick against. It's a hard and lonely thing to do which is why you need the support of other parents! It makes you seem more normal.
My son (now 19) left home in September and is full of appreciation now that he's living independently but he was a tough one to live with too. He is physically big and quite disapproving of drugs and smoking so I didn't have the same fears for him but the GOLDEN RULE was that he would text me to let me know where he was and whether he was coming home or not - once he had started 6th form, not before. I justified this on the grounds that if anything happened to one of the family I would want to come and get him ASAP - I wouldn't want to put traumatic information in a text. He got it and stuck to it, even when he had turned 18.