About Deborah
Deborah is a full-time wife, mother of three, and a college student. She believes in better living through disorganization. View her profile
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~What Is This Word...Discipline?~
One of the ladies who replied to my Mean Mom post asked, "Just wondering did anyone ever discipline any of these kids when they were younger? Just wondering? "
I think that is a fair question and it is one I often ask myself when I see a child behaving like a complete brat in public. I recall the halcyon months before I had my first child when I would watch other people's kids running around, screaming, begging, whining. I would put my hand on my big belly and smile with the secret belief that my kids would never behave that way.
Because I would discipline them.
And now I have a twelve year old daughter who is past throwing herself to the floor in public, but not past screaming, stomping, slamming doors and sobbing into her pillow.
The discipline method I used when she was a small baby having a fit was that I would take her to her crib, tell her it wasn't okay to have a fit then lay her down and leave the area.
When she was a three year old and out of her crib, I would take her to her room and tell her she could not leave the room until she was done crying, and then I shut the door.
During the years between 5-9, I would tell her to go to her room, shut the door and don't come out until she was ready to behave like a human being.
The system was good, it worked--she would lay on her bed sobbing about the inequality of life until she fell asleep, and then she would come to me with a new round of, "But can I just..."
When she turned eleven, there was a shift in the program. The primary shift was that she went from just crying to yelling at me. Me. Her mother.
When the yelling began, I took a page from MY mother's book and began quoting the line, "I am not your friend, I am your mother and you better start speaking to me with respect."
That line actually worked a few times--but now? Not so much, now it leads to an, "I am sorry but MAH-AHM!" and a little more hysteria until I send her to her room.
In the early years she just went in there to cry herself to sleep. Now she slams doors and every so often she continues to scream, "You are so unfair--you are so mean--!!" (She has never said she hate's me as I banished that word from our house when my kids were tiny. I explained that the word 'hate' means, "I wish you were dead".)
Discipline is a funny word and I guess it means different things to different people. The word always reminds me of spankings and I would rather not think about spankings, though I hear they are a very effective means of getting a point across. The biggest problem that I had with spankings is that I found that I liked to give them, that it made me feel better to slap my child. I realized that I was giving spankings because I was angry, and slapping them was a release for me.
It is when my daughter is inside her room screaming at me that I exercise the discipline that my mother taught me: Rather then going into her room and lining her out for her bad behavior, I walk away so I can no longer hear her, and she wails til she is done and she falls asleep.
I plan to continue that program of discipline until she is an adult as I hear consistency in discipline is the key to success. And also because when my daughter is screaming in my face my natural instinct is to slap her, and I gave up slapping years ago.
So to answer the original question about discipline: Yes, I think I disciplined my daughter when she was younger. I don't think I could have done anything different that would have changed her twelve year old behavior and to be honest--other than the screaming about the ways I violate her right to party--my girl is perfect.
Maybe I didn't discipline my daughter correctly when she was a child, but I hope that I am raising her with enough discipline that when she has a twelve year old daughter herself she will remember the phrase, "I am not your friend, I am your mother and you better start treating me with respect."
It sounds like you have the discipline down pat. I have disciplined similarly and they are fairly well-behaved. They too experience melt downs like this and get the you-won't-speak-to-me-that-way-go-to-your-room speech. I see a lot of adults who can't manage their emotions - why would people assume that children are going to be perfect at it all the time? Also, with 5 girls, I can tell/warn you that girls are much more emotional and argumentative than boys are - I always blame the hormones. Once they leave home and turn 20 they come back saying "wow I was such a brat those last few years".
i'm in this strengthening families program, and the way you're disciplining is one of the ways we talk about as a way of discipline. children have a will just like adults, and because they exercise their will doesn't mean parents don't discipline them. my daughter was pretty good growing up, but she's a mom now, and it's interesting to hear her say the same things i said, or give her daughter time-outs. you're doing good deborah. every child is different, and what works for one may not work for another.