Q&A: Discipline methods for a 2-year-old
Charissa writes:
"I have a two year-old daughter who is generally a laid back kind of kid. She sleeps and eats well, and we've never had any kind of screaming/crying/throwing fits from her. Personality wise, she tends to be pretty cautious, and prefers to scope out the (social) situation before getting involved. I'm only telling you all of this to give a little background on the type of child she is.
As far as discipline, we haven't had to do a whole lot of it. What we do do is time-outs, typically for hitting (usually me), throwing things, or blatant disobedience (it's fairly easy to tell the difference between her curiosity and defiance). When one of these things happens, I will tell her it's time for a time-out, and escort her to either a corner in the room, or to a chair (we don't have a specific time-out place). She will then sit there for a couple minutes (I'm not strict on timing), and then I will talk to her about the time-out. I'll hold her hands, get on her level and ask her to look me in the eye. I'll then explain why she had the time-out, and ask her if she's ready to do (or not do) that specific action any more. Then I will ask her if I can give her a hug, and I'll tell her that I love her. So that's our drill. We also try our best to give her lots of positive reinforcement (verbal and physical) for positive actions.
The thing is, lately she has started putting herself in time-out. Meaning, she'll throw something, for example, look at me and say, "time-out", then go to the corner and sit down. I had thought that the point of a time-out was to convince the child not to do the undesirable behavior? But she seems okay with a time out, to the point of doing it herself.
So I guess my question is, am I doing it wrong? Or is there some different type of discipline that you would suggest? I'm pretty strongly against any kind of spanking, but I do believe that it's my responsibility to teach her appropriate and inappropriate behavior and so I need a way to do that."
I'm just going to state for the record that I'm against spanking, too (although that doesn't mean that I haven't felt the urge to do it!). So now that that's out of the way, let's talk about discipline that doesn't involve pain (physical pain, or emotional pain from humiliation, etc.).
As I've said previously , I don't think time-outs are particularly good as punishment or deterrent to bad behavior. They just don't have much long-term bite, and what's happening with your daughter ends up happening an awful lot: The kid realizes the only thing that's going to happen is a time-out, which is nothing, so they do the bad thing, sit through the time out, and go on their merry toddler way. (It kind of reminds me of that game in which you have a contest to see who can punch the lightest. You let the other person go first, then you punch them really hard and say "You win.") I use time-outs mainly as a physical or temporal separator to just stop the immediate situation. Or sometimes because I need to stop the bad behavior but don't want my son to see me either laughing at what he's done or counting to ten so I don't go Homer on him . So they're good tools for on-the-spot situation management, but not really as consistent punishment.
Especially for 2-year-olds. They are interested in absolutely everything under the sun, so it would be virtually impossible to find a place to put them for a time-out that would be a real deterrent to negative behavior. (Contrast that with a 15-year-old who has to be in a room with no X-Box, for example.) And a 2-3-minute time-out really isn't anything, but you can't do a longer one because a kid that young doesn't have the attention span.
I think they also learn that the looking-in-the-eye and apologizing and hugs is part of the drill, so it ceases to have much meaning in that context anymore. They're just too young to really process it as anything but ritual. (Which is not to say that some kids aren't extremely sensitive and responsive to any mode of correction, so time-outs probably work for them because they're so embarrassed to be caught in bad behavior anyway.)
I think, sad as it is to say, that there's no one method of discipline that's going to work with a 2-year-old. You're going to have to turn into a detective to try to figure out either why she's doing what she's doing (and how you can stop it) or what you can do to avoid or redirect her behavior even if you don't know why she's doing it (and there may not be a reason, because, well, she's 2).
There seem to be a few huge causes of misbehavior in 2-year-olds. One is frustration at not being able to express their feelings as well as they want to. That usually results in some kind of violent behavior (hitting, biting, scratching, pushing, throwing) that just explodes when the frustration wells up inside of them. One highly effective way to deal with this kind of violent outburst is to recognize that it's from the frustration and allow the kid to have those feelings. Instead of trying to get the kid not to hit, give the kid a a designated object to hit/bite/scratch/push/throw. That way the kid is still allowed to release the frustration, just not at people or animals. If you're consistent about using a designated object, eventually the kid will ask for that object when the frustration strikes.
Another big cause of misbehavior is tiredness or other physical discomfort. (I'm actually just about to start a new book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka [the Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles author] about how sleep deprivation is a leading cause of misbehavior even in older kids. I'll let you know how it is.) No nap and everything gets out of control and they have tantrums about things like wearing blue socks instead of red socks. They skip a snack and their blood sugar goes low and they freak out about not being allowed to unlock the front door (and it's just not the same if you relock it and let them unlock it again). Too many errands in a row and they become that kid you always thought was the spawn of a Truly Bad Parent, screaming and demanding candy at the checkout, in those scornful days before you had kids yourself. So if you notice a connection between some kind of physical discomfort and bad behavior, you might want to make a concerted effort not to let the situation happen again and give the kid a pass (within reason, of course) on the bad behavior.
Testing limits is another big one. The only thing you can really do about this is to decide what your limits are and then stand firm. If you don't care about something, don't set up an artificial boundary just to back down later. It's not going to hurt a kid to be able to make the choice about some things in his or her life. But the things that you do care about, just stand firm on them, and be as calm as possible. You may need to redirect your child physically (I had to do this all the time with my older one--I'd have to physically move him from the situation, or put my hands on his and give the toy back, or put my hands on his and brush his teeth for him while he held the toothbrush--and sometimes still do when he gets very tired) or just sit down with your kid and hug her so she calms down, or just let her rage until the fit is over. You may have to physically restrain her from doing something, or take something away from her, or just stand between her and the thing. Whatever is going to work with your daughter to get her not to do what she's not supposed to do (or to do what she's supposed to do).
The most important part of this is to remain unemotional about it. It's not you trying to get her to do something. It's simply time for the thing to be done, and that's that. Just "Nope, we don't run into the street!" and then click her into the stroller. Or "It's 8 o'clock and that means time for bed. Let's count to 20 together and then we'll put on your PJs." Or "Oh. You dumped your juice on the floor. Here's a rag. I'll help you wipe it up." Decisive, swift, calm, and not punitive.
The things you describe your daughter doing sound like they are probably in the category of frustration or just not being able to deal with emotions that are way more complex than her speech is right now. So I'm betting that you'll have luck with trying to help her channel her frustrated and angry feelings into something else (increased physical activity and/or hitting a special pillow or stuffed animal) or logical consequences (she runs away from you so she has to ride in the stroller instead of walking, or she yanks the cat's fur so she can't go into the room with the cat for the rest of the evening, for example) or even just continuing with everyone's perennial favorite--distraction.
It's a really tough age, because they're so much more advanced than they can express, and they are just nonstop. My mom says that the trick to dealing with 2-year-olds is making sure you get enough sleep, because if you're rested you can stay on top of them and not lose it, but if you're tired it all spirals out of control. So try to get enough sleep, pick your battles (which it sounds like you do), and try to ferret out what is making her do the misbehavior (which shouldn't be too hard since it sounds like you know exactly what makes her tick) and react specifically, swiftly, and pleasantly.
It sounds like you're on the right track in general, and that you just need to switch out the time-outs and try some other things.
If you want to do a little more reading on how you can get your own head realigned for the next few years of discipline, I'd suggest Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting . The practical tips are more useful for kids aged 3 and up, but the ideas behind how to look at kids' moods and misbehavior can reduce your stress level with a kid at basically any age (I first read it when my older son was around 15-16 months, and it helped me even then).
Anyone else who's been through the 2-year-old stage? What did you do that worked?
My daughter had time-outs at day care when she was 2. And we tried to so it at home too, but mostly used redirection. It wasn't that effective, so we stooped until about 6 months ago. She's now 4.
My problem may be the opposite--my daughter freaks out at a time-out. We usually count bad behavior and it's fine if she relents. But if she actually makes it to 3 and gets the time-out, the crying and yelling and physical violence. We've been using the counting part for ~6 months. I have tried to stay as unemotional as I can. I am not trying to punish her, but I do want the separation. She needs to cam down. I need to calm down. And she cries after the time-out, even though we don't demand apologies or do lectures on not doing that again. It's just a break. One that I need and when she doesn't spend 25 minutes fighting a 4 minute break, one that helps. I am not sure where to go from here...and she's getting too big to physically carry up to a time-out place.
Have you tried using the counting in the opposite way? Instead of counting and she has to stop by the time you get to three, try having her count with you to 5 or 10 or something and then together you move onto the next thing? ("Let's count to 5 together and then go put on your PJs. Here we go! 1...2...") It gives her some control of the counting, and helps her save face and not be backed into a corner so she either has to give up or keep misbehaving. It's a way to deescalate and build community at the same time.
We're not in the terrible twos yet, but I'm reading Playful Parenting right now and really enjoying it. It's funny because while I'm reading it I visual how I want to react vs. how I should, and that how I want to react visual is exactly what you linked to - Homer throttling Bart.
I just wanted to add that we went through a very similar thing with my son (now almost 5) when he was 2 to 2 1/2. He'd do something he knew was wrong -- like hit the dog -- and then go put himself into a time out. It was maddening!
We changed a couple of things. First, we made time outs a bit more punitive (which I know not everyone would agree with, but it worked for us). Rather than having him sit on a chair nearby where we were, we sent him up to his room, told him to close the door, and stay there for a minute or two. Now, we only did/do this for SERIOUS things, like hitting or biting, but it was quite effective as he really hated being removed from the family and sent to be by himself.
Second, we tried to move from so much of a punishment mentality, to more of a "bad choice/consequence" type of approach. So, ahead of time, we laid down the rules -- i.e., if you continue to hit your sister, we'll have to put away some of your trains for a while. I'd try to discuss this at times when he wasn't in trouble, and we were having a good conversation. So, throw in the standard language about "people aren't for hitting, etc, etc" and then explain what the consequences were for breaking the rules. We also explained, after he'd lose something that he wanted, that he'd get it back after showing that he could follow the rules. And we don't make that too long of a time, just enough to get the point across, and then make a big deal when he gets the privileges returned to him. This has been WAY more effective than time-outs ever were, so much that we almost never use a time out now.
Anyway, long comment, but did want to point out that I don't think its unusual for children that age to start willingly doing things they know they shouldn't and then giving themselves a time-out. Its all about testing and trying on various behaviors, which is quite common at that age.
Thanks, Moxie and all, for the ideas. I especially appreciate being reminded not to get emotional about it -- not always an easy task when it seems to happen every 15 minutes! But I totally see how the factual attitude helps. I've recently (last few days) stopped with the time-outs and when she asks, "Time-out?" I just say no, just please don't do X anymore, and then move on to something else to distract her. It seems to be working out pretty well.
I do try to remain sensitive to her physical needs and how they impact her emotional state. I don't know if you've mentioned the book, "How to Really Love Your Child" (can't remember author? think it's Campbell), but it talks about that, too.
I think this is chock-full of great ideas. A key one is to stay well rested (a wise mom!); unfortunately I am having a hard time with this one. I am 34 weeks pregnant and have a 20 month old, so I find myself losing it around her naptime/bedtime (i.e. when she's been awake for a long stretch, and I am the one who is exhausted and has low blood sugar!). If she nurses and goes to bed without complaint I am ok, but if she starts playing around I just cannot deal with it. (She's in a toddler bed so can get out at will.) Something tells me this will be worse before it gets better....
Our toddler, aged two years and two months, is becoming quite difficult, and we are at a complete loss as to how to deal with her behavior. The main problem is that she is extremely violent and aggressive--with both of us, but most of all with her seven month old brother. A day does not go by that she does not inflict some kind of harm upon him--usually by scratching his face, or hitting him, or pushing his over, or pressing him into the floor. We understand that a certain amount of jealousy is normal, but this is really going too far, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to protect him, since he is at a stage where he wants to be on the floor; he is almost crawling.
I have read every book that I can get my hands on, but none of them offer any advice that seems of much use to us. The thing is, our daughter's aggressive outbursts do not necessarily occur only when she is tired, hungry, or frustrated. And there is no telling what will set her off. Sometimes it is simply that you are in her way, but she will also go out of her way to come over and slap you (I will be standing at the counter putting breakfast together, for example, and she will do this). Much of the aggression seems to be, indeed, attention-seeking behavior, but she also seems quite intent on actually inflicting harm. Two days ago I told her that I couldn't "swing" her (spin her around in the air) because my back was hurting (granted, I don't expect her to understand that) and she came over and started hitting my thigh. When I ignored her hits, she tried to bite me. She will also continue to scratch at her brother's face until he starts to cry (unfortunately for him, he has an amazing pain tolerance). We have tried "time-outs" in a designated chair, but she is, as you say, wise to this sort of stuff, and she has started to go there on her own. Then she immediately says all the right things (that we have programmed into her, no doubt), such as "sorry" and "I want to be gentle", or she just laughs, and calls out to both of us alternately, and acts very charming, saying, "mummsie!" and calling us by other pets names. We have done our best to explain to her that hitting, biting, scratching, etc, hurt, and are not okay. We have practised emotional literacy with her, and talked about feelings. We have given her alternatives to abusing us and her brother, by telling her that she can stomp her feet, slap the wall, etc, if she is angry. But nothing is working, and, if anything, matters are only getting worse. It is so discouraging, since she shows no remorse, and no sense of the gravity of her actions. She has actually scarred her brother by scratching his face. We want to be able to be comfortable and playful with her, and to encourage a loving relationship between her and her brother, but, to be honest, I personally feel sort of afraid of her. Is that crazy, or what? I just never know when she is going to lash out at me or anyone else, and it is really hard to have a good time together when the constant feeling is one of walking on eggshells. We do spend lots of time with her, and we give her constant loving support and encouraging feedback. She is not starved for attention! However, we did just move temporarily to Australia and she started in a new daycare for three days a week), but this behavior started long before we came here. Every day we go swimming with her, take her to the park, etc, and at least twice a week we make an outing, like going to the zoo or the beach. It feels like our world here really revolves around her and her wishes, but nothing we do seems to be good enough. I could go on and on, but I hope that this gives an adequate picture. Please help! Is it something we should wait out, or should we be changing tactics? She sleeps lots, and we are quite careful about preventative stuff (making sure she has frequent snacks and isn't placed in too many stressful situations). Anyway, again, if there is anything that you can offer.... Thank you,
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I'm not a doctor of any sort, or a psychologist, or a development expert, or any kind of expert at all. I'm just a mom of two kids. Nothing I say here should be construed as medical or developmental advice. Read what I say, then make your own decisions. I am not responsible for your actions. Also, I don't want to buy, sell, or process anything as a career, buy anything sold or processed, and cetera.