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"Dr. Laura....I just don't get it. How can kids learn to behave if they're never punished? I would never hit them, but what about timeouts and consequences? Everyone knows that children need discipline. "
To answer this question, I went to the best source I know:  My children.  They were never punished, including with timeouts or parent-contrived consequences.  They were never even yelled more than once or twice. So there was none of the teaching that most of us associate with conventional discipline. And yet they're now considerate, responsible, happy people.  How do they explain it?
When I asked them, they were puzzled.
My 20 year old son: "You and Dad were always nice to us. So why wouldn't we be nice back?"
My 16 year old daughter: "We LOVE you and Dad.  Of course we try not to disappoint you."
Me: "But how did you learn to behave, without punishment?"
My daughter: "Why would punishment teach you to behave? That just makes kids dislike their parents, and disrespect them.  Why would kids follow someone they don't respect?"
Me: "What do you mean by 'follow'?"
My daughter: "You know, doing what you say.  I know so many kids who had a bad relationship with their parents so they lied and rebelled as soon as they could.  But I didn't want to break your rules.  I saw the sense in them.  Why wouldn't I follow what you tell me?"
Me: "But how did you learn not to hit,  for instance?"
My son: "Empathy. I always knew, for as far back as I can remember, that I didn't want to hit other kids because it would hurt them.  But sometimes if I was very upset, I didn't care.  But because you always understood, I was able to stop myself from hurting someone else. And because you understood why I would have those angry feelings, it made me feel better about myself, too."
My daughter: "Either way--if you punish or not--the child learns not to hit.  But if you're punishing to teach him, he learns not to hit so that he doesn't suffer. If you're using empathy to teach him, he learns not to hit because it hurts the other person.  So he becomes a better person. He cares more about other people."
Now, I'm not a permissive parent. I have higher standards than most parents I know, which my kids sometimes challenge. And I set plenty of limits, but always with empathy and understanding of my kids' feelings.
And lest you think these kids were so well-behaved they didn't need discipline, my extended family still hasn't forgotten one of my son's hair-raising tantrums at age three, and I remember well my mortification when my daughter socked a playmate at age six.  Raising my children has been wonderful, but not without challenges.  There were certainly times that other parents would have punished them.
But I found they learned faster when I didn't. When I helped them WANT to meet my high standards, and gave them the tools to do it. When I focused on moving myself back into a state of love, reconnecting with them, and helping them through their feelings.
Sure, kids need "discipline." But the verb "to discipline" means "to guide." There is absolutely no reason why our guidance needs to be punitive. In fact, it backfires. There are many thousands of parents like me, who have never used any conventional discipline at all, and whose children have grown into wonderful teenagers and adults. They've never needed to be threatened into compliance. Why? Because these kids WANT to make good choices, the choices we've guided them towards over the years.
All kids know what the right choice is. Kids raised without punishment want to make that choice because they've stayed deeply connected to their parents, whom they don't want to disappoint.
And there's another, essential, secret here. These kids are ABLE to make the right choice, because they've learned to manage their own emotions, so they can resist impulses that might take them off track.
But what if you're using positive parenting, and you stay calm and regulated, and your child doesn't cooperate? Join the club. That certainly happened sometimes with my kids too. All young humans have days when their emotions get the best of them, just like all "grown up" humans. Sometimes kids just need us to listen to all those tangled up feelings. Not in words, but in laughter, or in tears.
Which we'll talk about tomorrow.
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Rusty Shakelford commented on 21-Mar-2012 04:54 PM
My wife and I constantly discuss this issue (among many others :). My question is always, What about consequences? Specifically, if a child behaves poorly, makes a negative choice, or otherwise "acts out", how do we show that there are consequences to these actions? If we are to prepare our children to become adults, the adult world has punishment for misdeeds, are we depriving our children of the truth about the world if we do not demonstrate that punishment is a part of life? We have a child on the way, so please forgive any lack of knowledge that is not as apparent to me. Thanks :)
What about consequences? If we impose them, that's punishment. Punishment has been clearly shown in study after study to have the opposite of the effect we want. Instead of the child focusing on the bad result of what they did, such as hurting another person, they focus on how unfair the parent is. Here's a whole article on the problem with consequences:
So, what about "natural consequences"? They're terrific! When the child forgets lunch, he's hungry, and the next day he remembers it. When the six year old socks her playmate, the consequence is that the other child doesn't like her any more, and the other parent no longer wants her to come play. But that is not a punishment imposed by the parent. It's a natural consequence. So these are often terrific teachers. But even so, there are some natural consequences we will intervene to prevent, like our child getting a concussion from not wearing a bike helmet.
And what about preparing our child for the fact that the adult world does use punishments? By the time they're adults, they will have fully developed frontal cortexes and can handle the world of punishments appropriately, as most adults do. In the meantime, just because it is a cold, cruel world, I would not make my child sleep without blankets to get used to that. Would you?
Vanessa commented on 21-Mar-2012 10:57 PM
Wow, I have a 22 month old and your blog is so helpful and I had always wondered about this.. and it totally makes sense to me. I think especially because it applies on to adult hood, in as a person, wanting to make the right decisions and loving yourself. I read or heard somewhere that if you don't love yourself first, how can you love another person back? I really think there is truth to that, in my experience with others. Thank you so much for writing about this and for all your articles; I really look to them a lot for parenting resources.