No More Time Outs
Why I'm using other ways to discipline my kids
by Stephanie Thompson | March 11, 2012
I try very hard not to give time outs to my children; I think, in general, they're a bad idea. What better way to breed anger and resentment in one's progeny than to stick them somewhere away from you, just at the moment they probably need you the most?
I understand the time-out tactic (or the older-kid version of sending one to one's room) on a number of rational levels. Both parties, parent and child, often have to take a minute to compose themselves, to let the anger of the moment subside in order to have meaningful dialogue. It sometimes seems necessary, especially with three-year-olds in full tantrum mode, to put them someplace else for a time to restore the collective sanity. But it occurred to me recently, when my 7-year-old lay on his bed in misery, that I never wanted to leave him there too long, at any age. I never wanted him or his brother to have to sit with their bad mood, to build up the sad, lonely, angry thoughts that often occur to one when left to stew alone.
Isolation as punishment is a problem. Solitude of the not healthy kind is rampant in our society, and it's easy to see why when I myself am tempted to send my children off to distant locales just because it is easier to shun them than to face the difficulty head on. But if members are not willing to stick around and tackle the issues, both families and communities can become fragmented and disjointed. It's vital that we hug one another, even at times of upset and anger - especially at times of upset and anger.
Take the day when my older son, 9, asked me to get him a glass of water while I was in the midst of making dinner. I stood there, surrounded by obvious duties, as he calmly read Harry Potter , waiting to be waited on.
"I'm sure, darling, you can get it yourself," I said, mustering all the sweetness I could in my voice, gesturing to the drawer right below his feet where the cups live.
"You're lazy," he said rudely, staring straight at me. I could see in his eyes the comment was partly in jest, but I was in no mood to joke.
"Really?" I said. "Really?"
My first impulse was to send him to his room, so I did, shuttling my now-sorry-for-the-comment son determinedly up the stairs while vociferating loudly all that I had done for him and others that day, all that I did for him and others every day. Maybe I'm a wimp, and maybe it will bite me in the behind in the long run...
"Are you still mad at me? Do you hate me?" he sobbed from his bed, thirty seconds into his exile.
My heart softened. "No, and No," I said. "You can come down..."
Mad as I was, I couldn't leave him there, crying and guilt-ridden.
He walked down the stairs and hugged me, crushed his little self into my middle desperately and then looked up at me with his big brown eyes. "I'm sorry Mommy," he said.
"I know, Sweetie," I said. "I'm just tired and have done a lot and I get upset when you don't appreciate it."
He nodded and wiped away his tears. "I know."
The evening went well after that, everyone tip-toeing around tired Mommy, just like I like. Maybe I'm a wimp, maybe it will bite me in the behind in the long run, but lengthy sob sessions, long separations seem silly to me when a few minutes of explanation could suffice.
Yes, until your children are the age when you can actually reason with them, perhaps time outs are useful for settling everyone down. But from the minute they can really understand what you're saying, coming back together and communicating honestly to make it work seems like such a better, if often challenging, option.
About the Author
Steph Thompson is a Brooklyn-based writer. Among her current projects are her column, " Fearless Parenting ," at the Brooklyn Paper and her blog that chronicles giving puffy gold stars to everyday people, just for trying.
this is why kids run around saying whatever they want to their parents and caregivers and adults in general. if my child said I was lazy at 9 years old, ooooooooh buddy! she wouldn't even DREAM of saying it, but if she did, she wouldn't see the light of day for a looooong time!
I use timeouts as a last resort. There are times when my boys' emotions just get the better of them, and rational conversation and thought are not possible, or they are too willful to admit they were wrong and change their behavior. During those times, a timeout away from me seems to be exactly what they need. I don't bother with a timer, I follow their recovery time. If they can get it under control in 10 seconds, that's all the timeout they need. I'm always close by, and tell them as I put them in timeout that I love them, but they need a moment to calm down so we can talk and work the problem together. But this always comes after trying to talk them through the issue first. They always have a chance to correct their behavior before going into timeout. Kids will be kids, and they will lash out at times. But they will only stop when they are taught it is wrong, are given consequences, and taught better ways to deal with their emotions.
I occasionally use time outs with my 2 year old, and have found them very effective. I don't send him away from me or isolate him, we go into time out together. I ask him what he did wrong, and he either tells me, or if he can't I tell him. I then explain why the behavior was inappropriate (e.g., "hitting hurts Mommy.") and have him agree not to do it again. Once he agrees not to do it again, we can leave time out, but if he won't agree, we have to stay in time out together longer.
As a toddler teacher, I can say that there are a lot better methods to dealing with bad behavior than giving kids a traditional time-out. Yes, even children as young as two respond better when you stay calm, empathize with their feelings, and stay close by. I know it's hard to acknowledge and validate feelings when children behave badly, but what they need is guidance, not punishment and isolation. Of course if they are hurting you or someone else, you step in and prevent them from doing this, but you don't have to banish them to do this. You can physically stop the blow, and say, "I see that you're angry." If you can, try to empathize with why they're upset, "You really wanted that toy but so-and-so wouldn't let you have it! How frustrating!" You'd be shocked at how far a little understanding can go. I've seen it dissipate anger immediately. You can also give them tools to handle their feelings and their reaction. "You can yell and stomp your feet outside but I can't let you hurt anyone. When you're calm, I'll help you ask for a turn and wait." That being said, giving yourself a time-out and taking some time to calm down so you don't blow up can be healthy. It's totally different than having an adult force isolation on a child.
My daughter has two boys, ages two and one.when the 2yo has a meltdown and screams because his brother has his toy and pushes his brother over while grabbing it, he looks at my daughter, who has said nothing yet, and says "go time out? " she asks "Do you need to go? "And the 2yo generally responds "yes ".He then is put in his brother's crib for 2or3minutes. Then she talks quietly to him, all is forgiven, (after he says sorry to his brother) ,and life goes on.
my neighbor's ex-wife makes $68/hr on the computer. She has been unemployed for seven months but last month her check was $19227 just working on the computer for a few hours. Go to this web site and read more CashBrave. Ç0M
wow people, does everything have to come with research and links and quotes? This is someone's personal struggle and wanted to share. if you don't like it too bad, then don't read anymore. I know that i enjoy reading what other mothers are doing and experiencing. But if you need to have facts and links and support maybe you are on the wrong website. Maybe you should go to msn.com for that
I think ALL children are different. Not saying anyone is wrong in their way. I like reading other ideas. I have a now 9 year old son who still isnt fully potty trained. Just fine at school but NOT at home. Every doctor Ive ever taken him to says its his doing. nothing wrong with him. Ive done everything I can possibly think of even ignore the problem. My now 4 year old daughter on the other hand is an angel compaired to my son. If she does something "wrong" just "The Look" sends her into "Im sorry" and "I love u mommie" mode, lol. I love my son vary much and when he throws a tantrum its SAFER if hes alone in his room then with everyone else. After a "good" tantrum hes all love and hugs and the day goes on as if it never happened.
I see your logic for older children, as you say. But I use time-outs with my 2 year old for hitting me. I don't isolate him, I just set him in a designated spot until he calms down. I don't leave him alone in the room. It's absolutely necessary for both of us to get a physical break in those situations.
I think it is how it is used. I use it as calm down time for my kids or my self. I shouldn't be looked at as punishment but a way to remove the person (child or unruly parent) from the situation. Sounded like this situation the mom was mad and used time-out as a way to cope - yikes!
oh my! I would suggest maybe do your next article on why and how people can be so torrid. You can do your "research" right here on those who find it so important to point out how much smarter they are on "journalism". I never reprimanded or grounded my children. There was no need for time outs. I used this method starting as early as when they could have dialogue and could ask good questions. I ve written in my blog on this very topic- http://parentingforsingles.blogspot.com/2012/02/children-and-discipline-never-having-to.html Today, my children are well adjusted, success minded, bright, independent young ladies.
Can Babble publish anything that's not a personal essay anymore? Where's the research in this piece? Is this really what suffices as online journalism. If it is, please newspapers and magazines, don't die yet, we need you! Ugh!
I don't think time outs are bad, the problem is that I think a 7 year old is a little old to be given time outs. It is nonsense. At that age, they have more control over their actions than when they are 2 years old and they can think before they act. At the same time, I also believe you needed a time out more than your son when you over reacted to his joke.
I think maybe it's just not a good idea for YOU to give YOUR children time outs. I know if it had been me and my 10 year old in that situation, he would have then proceeded to argue with me and make me even madder, just for the hell of it, because my ex-husband use to do the same thing. Your 9 year old son seems to be a little more sensitive and understanding of the fact that he made a mistake as to where my 10 year old would not see it as a mistake, he would see it as an argument starter, because he loves to argue and make everyone around him mad. Time outs are not a bad punishment, because really how do you reason with a 2 year old who is throwing a fit because he didn't get the exact cookie he wanted or the right sippie cup? I have 5 children and I can reason with the older children, but the younger ones need some kind of structure and if you just talk to them, there is no discipline and they do not understand when they have done something wrong.
"Are you still mad at me? Do you hate me?" Really?!?! Seems my dear either your child in particular is a little sensitive and the time out approach is not right for him, or, I suspect this is more likely, you just got played - by a nine year old. A time out for a comment like that seems a little overboard anyways, maybe your nine year old was upset by your ridiculous overreaction than the timeout itself.
If anyone wants to know a good money making site, here is the one I have found 5 months ago, registered and still receive payments on a weekly basis! I am making very nice extra income doing only a few hours on my laptop and my last check was over $5000 just last week!!! More info you can find here at http://g00.me/8H
I am always a little surprised to find these all-or-nothing approaches to parenting. Though I am personally convinced that a calm, rational conversation about an issue should always trump any kind of 'punishment', I do also believe that discipline is necessary at times. Putting a kid in time out because you don't want to deal with them is one thing, not discipline, but irresponsible parenting. Putting a kid in time out because the offense warrants a time out will give the child the opportunity to calm him or herself, hopefully think about what happened and what went wrong. So does insulting mommy call for a time out? I don't think so, it calls for an apology and an explanation as to why such comments aren't acceptable. I am not sure kiddo learned much of anything by being sent to his room without explanation and being brought back with a pat on the head and no apology... I'd maybe rename the post "no more time outs for the wrong reasons"?
Learning consequences and being held responsible for behavior is important. Like, INCREDIBLY important. Children need to learn to deal with feeling remorse and - yes - being unhappy for a while. You aren't torturing your child. If anything, you are helping him to understand that he is responsible for his behavior. As a university instructor, I deal with students who do not understand that there are consequences for behavior on at least a weekly basis. These students were done a disservice by parents who, because they thought they were doing something compassionate, in fact made life more difficult for their children by not teaching them how to deal with being uncomfortable and sad for a while.
Stephanie, I commend you for saying no to conventional parenting and really taking the time to examine what you're doing. Parents so often regurgitate the same stuff over and over again without even thinking about it. You CAN have a compassionate, happy relationship with your kids without being a doormat. It's not one or other. Here's another great article about why time-outs are harmful: http://rootparenting.org/child-timeouts-can-be-harmful/ And if you REALLY want your parenting world rocked, read some Alfie Kohn, specifically Unconditional Parenting. http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php
The Walt Disney Company supports Babble as a platform dedicated to honest, engaged, informed, intelligent and open conversation about parenting. However, the opinions expressed on this site are those of individual parents/writers and do not reflect the views of Disney. In addition, content provided on this site is for entertainment or informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, or safety advice. Click here for additional information. Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Interest-Based Ads