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Many young children are shy. They gradually get more confidence with other people as they grow older. Shyness is when children are worried in social situations and do not easily join in.
Most children are shy in some situations, for example situations that are very new to them. If it continues when they go to school and into adolescence and prevents them from taking part in class and enjoying their play times, it can be very painful for them.
But shy children do not always grow up to be shy - there is a lot that can be done to help them overcome their shyness. Some people are naturally quieter and less outgoing than others, and as long as they are happy about who they are it is not a problem. If everyone was the same it would be a boring world.
When children prefer to play alone it is not always because they are shy; it can be for many different reasons. It can be that they need some quiet time, that they are busy with a project or that they are unwell or unhappy.
If they do not seem to have any friends at all and this goes on, it is worth talking to a health professional about it because there may be reasons that could be helped.
Some reasons for shyness include:
being "born shy" - some babies seem to be more "sensitive" and easily frightened from birth on
the whole family do not relate easily to other people - shy parents are more likely to have shy children - but not always
the child may be afraid to be separated from the people he knows best - this is common in the preschool years
the child may have lived fairly quietly in early childhood and not have had the opportunity to meet many other people, so the world seems more scary until he gets used to it
a child who has not had many children to play with may be shy with children at first, but quite at ease with adults
some children are afraid of doing the wrong thing or making a mistake if they join in
the child has been pushed to do things before he was ready to - too high expectations
the child has very fearful parents, who try very hard to protect him but this can make him afraid of the world
the child has been ill-treated and is fearful
the child has a disability or hearing loss that makes social life more difficult for him
the child is very much more interested in things than in people, or does not seem to be able to understand how to relate to others - this can be caused by a developmental problem and if it happens most of the time, needs to be checked by a health professional. (The topic 'Asperger Syndrome' has information about one type of developmental problem which causes difficulty with relationships.)
Most babies between about 6 months and 3 years old are "shy" in that they are afraid of strangers and likely to cling to the people they know well. This is a normal part of developing trust in a scary world. By the time they are three or four most children want to join in and play with others, at least some of the time.
Set a good example - if you are friendly to others your child will feel safer and will learn what to say and do.
If you are a worrier it may make your children feel that the world is a scary place and they will be more likely to be shy.
Try not to show that you are fearful and as the children get older you can explain that it is your problem and not something that they need to worry about.
It can help to make sure they spend time with other adults who are less fearful.
Check what other parents around you do to protect their children to give you a guide about whether you are being too protective of your children.
Don't expect too much of your children. Encourage them and enjoy their successes but setting standards too high can mean that they will always feel they cannot really please you and this can help make children shy.
Give your child lots of opportunities to meet with different people of all ages. But don't force it - let it go at a pace that the child feels comfortable with.
Encourage children to take part in hobbies and interests that they enjoy - they will get to know other children with similar interests and learn some new skills.
If your child is shy
Don't label your child as shy either to herself, to yourself, or to others. Parents' judgements have a very powerful effect on children, and if the child hears you say she is shy, she will believe that she is.
Never make fun of your child's fears or shyness.
Help your child to learn skills so she is confident at whatever other children of her age are doing.
Don't answer for your children, or apologise for them if they do not answer when spoken to. This draws more attention to their shyness.
Encourage your child to talk about her feelings and fears and listen for thoughts that say "I can't" rather than "I can" - [see the topic 'Optimism' ]. Help her to think about the times she has succeeded rather than when she has failed!
Get your child to make a list of the things he would like to do.
Help him to think of what he might do to make them happen.
You may have to make some suggestions at first, but what a child manages for himself will help his confidence more than your solutions.
There are several topics on the Kids Health part of this site which may help children work out some things they could try.
Give your child support if he is teased.
Take new things at the child's pace - give him time to get used to new situations.
For example if he is just starting preschool try to arrange to stay with him for the first few times and then gradually spend less time there as he gets more used to it.
It is not helpful to force children to do things they are afraid of - help your child to confront problem situations gradually, a little at a time.
Practise what to do in new or scary situations for your child. Make up some "new things to do" games, where you practise what she can do and say in a new or difficult situation.
Invite another child to play, for a short time at first, and arrange something to do to take the pressure off the child at first.
Try to arrange for the child to have an opportunity to be a helper for another child sometimes.
Try to arrange for the child to have some special (looked-for) responsibilities at school.
Try some meditation or relaxation exercises.
For teenagers, assertiveness training courses can sometimes help.
If trying the above suggestions does not help, talk to a child health professional about it.
Children who are shy often need individual attention and an opportunity to shine in ways where they feel safe.
There are many books written for parent about raising confident children, and for children about how to do things when they feel anxious or shy. You could try your local library - talk to the children's librarian.
The information on this site should not be used as an alternative to professional care. If you have a particular problem, see a doctor, or ring the Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100 (local call cost from anywhere in South Australia).
This topic may use 'he' and 'she' in turn - please change to suit your child's sex.
Aboriginal - a new baby Aboriginal - child abuse and neglect Aboriginal - kids grieve too Aboriginal - loving and laughing Abuse of parents ADD and ADHD - how to manage them ADD and ADHD - what are they? Adolescence - when times get tough Anger - helping your child to manage it Asperger syndrome Autism Body image Breath holding Bullying Bushfires and children Children biting Children in hospital Children's mental health Conduct disorders Crying baby Dealing with a crisis Depression in children Discipline (teens) Discipline - what is discipline? Drink spiking Dummies, thumbs and other comforters Eating disorders Family break-up Fears - young children Fears and phobias - older children and teenagers Feeling angry Gifted and talented children Grief and loss Habits Head banging and rocking Helping your children after a suicide Intercountry adoption - emotional health Kids grieve too - easy to read Lies and fibs Nail biting Night terrors Nightmares Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Optimism Parenting arrangements after separation Peer pressure Post natal depression Post-traumatic stress disorder Rape Running away Schizophrenia School refusal and truancy School suspension, exclusion or expulsion Second baby Self-esteem Self-harm Separation anxiety Shyness Sibling rivalry Sleep - 3 to 6 months Sleep - 3 years to 5 years Sleep - 6 months to 3 years Sleep - birth to 3 months Sleep in early childhood Sleep walking and sleep talking Soiling Stealing Stress and exams Swearing Tantrums Teeth grinding The Nanny Show and you Thinking divorce Toddlers - tips for toddler troubles War and children When there is a tragedy Yelling Young people and drugs Young people, feelings and depression Your baby in hospital