When I was a young mom, a mentor told me that disciplining children was a lot like a pyramid. When they're small, you provide a lot of guidance and discipline. You train them constantly. You follow through with consequences. You're consistent. You're persistent. It's exhausting.
But because you have put in the hard work when they are two, three, and four, they have learned to obey. They have learned to listen to you. They have learned that you love them, and so they tend to be easier to manage. And thus you can relax the rules a little.
By the time they're teens, you're relaxing your boundaries around them quite a bit, until you have no real rules at all. You're preparing them for the real world where they will have to be responsible for themselves. And they can handle it because they have the foundation of learning a moral code, learning to love God, learning to listen to you, and learning responsibility.
That's how discipline is like a pyramid: you start out with a base of a lot of rules and boundaries, and you have fewer and fewer and the pyramid gets narrower and narrower until you reach the top, when the rules disappear. And the child is now ready to fly out of the nest.
That's how it's supposed to work in theory. What happens, though, if you don't have a lot of boundaries when the kids are little? You give in to their temper tantrums. You don't enforce bedtimes. You let them yell at you and disrespect you. You let them eat whatever they want for dinner, even if it's not what you made. You let them snack constantly and then refuse to eat the yucky stuff that's on their plate at mealtime. You buy them everything they want.
Well, you've inverted the pyramid. Y ou've given them very few rules when they're little, but the concept of the pyramid doesn't change. It just turns upside down.
When you don't give children discipline and rules and structure when they're small, they will need increasing intervention from parents as they get older because they have not internalized self-discipline, or values, or even simple politeness. While you can get away with this when they're small, when they're older you've created a monster, because when they make bad decisions at the ages of 11, or 13, or even 16, they can get in a lot of trouble.
That's why some parents don't really start disciplining until the child hits the pre-teen or teen years and starts causing real trouble. They fail at school. They start drinking. They start taking drugs. Or maybe it's not something self-destructive; it's simply that they've tuned out of the family. They're rude, they glare and barely talk to you, and they complain constantly. That's very hard to live with from someone who is 15. You think they should be helping with dishes, or cleaning up the living room, or at least doing their homework, but for some reason they don't. And that reason is because they never learned the importance of it earlier, and they don't want to listen to you.
Now, this isn't entirely true, because some children will be trying as teenagers even if they've been given great, consistent discipline from the time they were small children. They might just have that sort of personality. But on the whole, this is what happens.
One day, a parent wakes up and doesn't know who this teen is, and is totally at a loss as to what to do. And so they slam down hard. They ground them. They take away TV. They take away their phones. They don't let any friends over. They become super strict, and the child rebels even more. If you're in that situation, Kevin Leman's Have a New Teenager by Friday , that I reviewed here last month , can really help.
But the point is that you'll be dealing wtih a pyramid regardless. You either put in the work when the kids are young, and easier to discipline, or you'll have to do it when they're teens and it's harder (with more serious consequences for bad choices).
The encouragement is that if you readers currently have small children, and you're utterly exhausted, be assured that the work that you're putting in now means that less work will be necessary later. Keep going. Keep at it. I know it's tiring, but you're saving yourself a lot of heartache later.
The whole reason that I've written this post, though, is that I've had a close up look at different parents of teens' discipline attitudes lately, and I've started to feel like I'm a little alone. I do not believe that we should relax all rules and stop trying to discipline if our kids are making bad choices. We must still institute consequences for actions. But the ideal is that as teens grow, we won't need to as much, and we'll take a step back.
That's why I told my oldest daughter last night that as of this summer, she no longer has any rules. She does not have a curfew. I will not wake her up in the morning to start her schoolwork. I will not make her go to bed. I will not limit her Facebook or anything. You see, as of this summer she only has one more year at home, and I believe (as Leman also says), that that final year should be free of rules , because as soon as she moves out she won't have rules. And I would rather she get used to that while she is still under our roof than that she only experience it when she moves out.
Now she will still have to act as part of the community. She will still have to clean the bathrooms and do dinner occasionally and wash dishes, because I am not her maid. And when she lives with housemates at school she'll have to be doing housework and dividing up the work there, too. She also will have to carry a cell phone and text or call me and tell me where she is and who she's with and when she's expected to be home. This isn't because I'm her parent; that's simple safety . When she's living out of the house she should be doing that, too. Someone should always know where you are and who you're with, and so that will still be in effect. But the difference is that I do the same thing. When I go out, I report in and tell them where I am, too.
I don't think I would relax the rules like this if Rebecca were acting up, but she's a very responsible girl, and I don't have a lot of concerns. But part of that is because we put in so much work in those early years.
If you didn't, you can still catch up! Read the book . But remember, a teen will experience total freedom when they do move out to go to school (if that's where they're heading) or to get their own apartment. It's better that they experience a taste of that freedom when they're with you. They're less inclined to go all crazy then.
And while much was positive, a significant part was quite negative. How could I judge that mother like that? Now parents will be scared to fly with kids because of judgmental people like me!
Looking back, I wouldn't really change what I wrote, but I might have added more context. It certainly was not my intention to hurt parents who are super-tired and overworked and worrying that others are judging them if their kids misbehave. And yet I'd like to revisit a particular aspect of the incident, and then ask you all: don't you think this child deserved better? I was being sarcastic because sometimes the best teaching situations come from real life examples. I can talk all I want about how to discipline, but when you tell a story, it tends to hit closer to home. Hence I chose this one. But my point in the post was not that the kid was a brat or that the mother's parenting was ineffective; it was that the mother wasn't even trying. That was the problem.
So here are the facts: the mom and dad were sitting across the aisle from each other so they could talk. The 4-year-old was against the window; the 6-year-old was in the middle. They brought no toys. They brought no books. They only let their kids watch a few of the movies on the plane (they cost money). They weren't talking to the kids. And they weren't disciplining the kids.
The 6-year-old whined a yelled a lot, but the 4-year-old just screamed. And so I wrote my post about how a parent should act on a plane with a child.
Let me reiterate: the issue was not that the child was screaming. Lots of kids scream on planes. The issue was that the mom was doing absolutely nothing about it, and hadn't brought anything to help the child. You cannot expect a little girl to be perfectly quiet for 5 hours on a flight with nothing to do. The mom got exasperated and started issuing warning after warning, to no avail, but she made no effort to engage the child in anything.
A few commenters said, what if the mom was tired? What if they were returning from a funeral and she was exhausted? Well, yes, that might have put a slightly different spin on it. But she sure didn't look depressed with the way she was talking with her husband. But here's the thing: I've taken my one and a half year old to her own brother's funeral-when I was the grieving mother. And you know what? I still packed books. Because I wanted Rebecca to have something to do, and I knew I wasn't in much position to help her. So I put a bunch of books and toys in a bag, and we went to the church.
Of course that mom may have been exhausted. We all are exhausted at some point. But she is still a mother, and a mother has a responsibility to care about her child. I am not sure why people think that it's so bad to point this out. Is it actually fair to take a child on a plane for 5 hours and then ignore her?
Now some of you have flown with kids who have cried the whole time because their ears hurt, or they were tired, or sick, or scared. I know some passengers get annoyed with you, but that wouldn't have been me. I am never annoyed when I see parents trying; I feel a lot of compassion, and there are times I have offered to bounce a crying baby on a trans-Atlantic flight to give a mom a break. I think we all should do that! And there are times when I was travelling with my kids when they were younger when we have shared our toys and books with other young children.
If a mom is trying, and she's at her wit's end, then compassion should be our main response. But what should be our main response when a mother doesn't even look like she cares? Have you ever seen that, whether you're on a plane or not? I've often been out with moms who have kids in strollers or kids by the hand who never even talk to the kids. They talk to their friends, and ignore those children. They take them into McDonald's and order them food and then text the whole time, rather than acknowledge their child's presence.
That makes me mad, and I will continue to call them out on it. If a child is acting out in those circumstances, it is not the child's fault. It is a natural response to being bored and ignored.
Now some of you have children who are more difficult in public because of autism or other syndromes. I can understand being very wary of people judging your children in public, because other people can't necessarily tell that your child has these problems just by watching them. But the key to me is not the child's behaviour, but the parent's engagement. If the parent is engaged, and trying appropriately to help and discipline and steer the child, that's great, regardless of the child's response. But if the parent is doing nothing, that's a problem.
In other words, what bugs me is not the child's behaviour but the parent's response. Do you see that? I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear enough in the original blog post; I really am. But I also am afraid that we've gotten to the point where we're afraid of setting any standards for parenting in public in case we make people feel guilty. You are the parent. You have a responsibility to engage your child and raise them properly. You have a responsibility to consider your child's needs when you go out in public, even if that's a tall order. You just do.
I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, because author Joanne Kraft emailed me after reading the comments to the post and sent me a link to a similar post she wrote, where she's railing about a dad she saw in a store. It's awesome. She writes:
Hey there Mr. Playground-Dad. Yes, I'm talking to you. I've been watching you and your son for quite some time now. Would you like to know the one question that keeps popping into my head over and over again?
Have you lost your mind!?
For the past ten minutes, I've witnessed your son yell at you, slap you, and refuse to sit beside you in a time-out. Your only response when he wiggled away was to yell, "You're going straight to bed when we get home." Your son yelled back even louder, "No I'm not!"
Why didn't you get up and run after him? Why didn't you pick him up and walk out of the play area? Why did you let him continue playing? Are you afraid of him? He can't be older than five.
What's that? You're tired?
Too bad. Parenting isn't an option. Lots of us parents are tired. Poor excuse dad. Do you think parents of well-behaved children aren't tired? You are the adult. He is the child.
You can read the rest here , but I just want to reiterate: I think, as a society, we have forgotten how to parent. It is not compassionate on children to stop pointing this out. We need to call parents back to parenting effectively, which is why I tried to give pointers on how to keep kids engaged.
This mother didn't seem to care at all. Some may still think I'm judgmental, but my primary thought and prayer was for that little girl. No one deserves to be ignored like that, and I am not sorry for feeling that way. I'm just sorry if I wasn't clear enough in the first place.
Dear Parents who were sitting behind me on my flight from Detroit to Syracuse yesterday,
I know flying with a baby, an almost 4 year old, and a 6 year old is tough. I know it was a 4 1/2 hour flight, and you were really tired. I know being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world.
But the thing about a job is that you DO ACTUALLY HAVE TO SHOW UP AND DO IT. So when your 4-year-old is screaming because she's bored for the entire four hours, please do not ignore her, because it is very hard for the rest of us on the plane to sleep/read/watch a movie/refrain from hitting you over the head when you don't seem to realize how disturbing your child is. She wasn't just whining. She was screaming. I thought I was going to go insane, and I'm usually a very sympathetic person.
I have travelled with children before, and I haven't generally had a problem, because I think before I get on the plane. For instance, I always:
1. Bring Special Toys
Buy a few new sticker books. Buy a portable video game or a portable DVD player that you only use for special occasions (like a plane ride). Bring along some Polly Pockets or Pet Shops or whatever your daughter likes. You cannot expect a 4-year-old child to sit still and be quiet on a plane for 4 1/2 hours when she has absolutely nothing to do.
2. Read to the Kids
I never went anywhere without at least 10 books. My kids loved reading books, and I would sit between them on the plane seats and just start from one and move to the next. No, this meant that the plane ride wasn't as fun for me. I didn't get to watch the movie. But the children were happy and giggling and entertained, and a few times I actually had other kids come to the row and listen in, or I had other grandmotherly types offer to read a book because they enjoyed the ones I was reading so much. It doesn't take much to bring a few books along.
3. Sit Between the Kids
Don't sit in the aisle, two seats away from a 4-year-old child who is near the window. Sit between them so you have control. I know you want to talk to your husband who is across the aisle, but please have mercy on the rest of us who are in the plane, too, and make an effort to control the kids.
4. Telling the Kids to Be Quiet in Exactly the Same Voice as You Say Everything Else Doesn't Work
You may think you made an effort to control the kids and there was nothing else you can do. I mean, I heard you say, over and over again, "Dixie, be quiet." "Dixie, stop that." "Dixie, what do you want?" "Dixie, if you don't stop that you can't watch a movie." "I mean it, Dixie, you won't be able to watch the movie."
The problem is you said all those things in exactly the same voice as you said, "I'll have a Diet Coke" to the stewardess, and you said, "Dixie, here are your pretzels", or "Dixie, do you want a drink?" It made you sound insane.
If you want your child to listen to you specifically and to do what you say, you need to use a different tone of voice sometimes. Just because you say, "Dixie, be quiet" does not mean that you are disciplining Dixie. That obviously meant nothing to her. You say it all the time but nothing happens. And when you say it, and she doesn't listen, and you don't do anything, it increases the chances that one of the other passengers will lose it and just come back there and hit you on the head, which is what I know the big guy sitting beside me was contemplating (I had ear plugs, but I still heard the whole thing).
I know you can't go all ninja on the kids on the plane. You can't start yelling, and you can't give them a time out. You can't suddenly start acting differently than you do at home and expect the kids to behave. That's why this all has to start before you get on the plane. Start disciplining them at home so they understand your tone of voice. Follow through on consequences so they're used to listening to you. And then things will go much more smoothly.
5. Talk To Your Kids
This may sound crazy, but you might consider actually, you know, interacting with your children. As soon as you sit down on the plane, in a happy voice (to distinguish from your mad tone of voice), start a running commentary and conversation with them. "Oh, Dixie and Tom, isn't this fun? We're going to go up in a plane. Let's do the seatbelts up. Can you figure out how to do it? Oh, look I can hear the engines. Can you hear the engines? What else makes a loud noise like that? What do you think is going to happen?"
"Wow, we're starting now. We're moving. Aren't we going fast? Do you think we'll go up in the air soon? Look out the window! Can you still see any houses? What do you see down there?' And so on. And so on.
Just TALK TO YOUR KIDS. If you start a commentary like this, the kids will stay engaged, and they won't cry. I talked to my kids non-stop so they were never bored. Yes, it was a lot of work for me, but it's a lot less work than listening to a child screaming.
I have to admit I almost turned around and told you some of these things in person, but I didn't, because I was reading an amazing book and I didn't want to cause a scene. You were already doing that.
I've been on other planes with a mom and a baby and a toddler, and one has started to cry, and she was overwhelmed, and I helped. She wasn't doing anything wrong. But what could I do to help you? You had no toys. No books. You had no clue.
You obviously love kids. You've got three of them. But if you want to enjoy your kids, you're going to have to start interacting with them and talking and playing. Go outside of your comfort zone. It isn't all about you. Learn how to be a mom.
I wish you luck. And most of all, I hope you're not flying back east on the 8th.
UPDATE: A number of people have commented on Facebook and in the comments that I was being too harsh, because maybe they were returning from a funeral and were exhausted. But the thing is that the wife and the husband were maintaining a conversation the whole time, about life, about schedules, about just basic stuff from what I could hear. They were ignoring the kid screaming. They didn't talk about being tired, they didn't look emotionally exhausted. They looked normal, and they were having a normal conversation, laughing occasionally, etc. Of course kids are going to have meltdowns, and no one minds that as long as the parents deal with it. But these two weren't even trying, and they certainly did not appear distraught and/or tired. Maybe I'm missing something, but I've seen distraught parents, and I've helped. These weren't even in that category.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire is a Christian speaker, columnist, and author. She's written five books, including the upcoming The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (out in January 2012 with Zondervan!). She loves speaking about marriage, parenting, and keeping our eyes on Jesus. She lives in Ontario, Canada, with her husband of 20 years and her two daughters, whom she homeschools. [Read More ...]
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