Dear Agony Aunt: My child goes to boarding school for the first time in September. How can I help settle her in?
Dr Helen Wright
Oct. 3, 2010
Rated: 4.0
Dr Helen Wright, headteacher of St Mary's School, Calne, offers advice to parents of children who are new to boarding.
How exciting that your child is starting to board! A boarding education is amazing on so many different levels; over the next few years your child will learn so much about herself and how to live with others, all of which will make a huge and satisfying difference to her life. She will grow in confidence and maturity and make friends for life, and this September is just the start of her journey.
Moving to boarding school marks a significant transition, however, and you are right to think carefully about how to help make it as smooth as possible. The key, of course, is to prepare your child in advance for the experience, building her excitement while helping her to understand the practicalities. Spend time over the summer reading and re-reading all the guides and instructions provided by the school, so that your child can learn and feel comfortable with, for example, the timings of the school day, and minutiae (important to young people) such as exactly when uniform has to be worn. Browse the school's website together to find out answers to any questions you think of, and don't be afraid to phone the school and ask if there are any queries which your child has. If she feels secure in her knowledge of what will be expected of her, then she will enter into school life with ease.
If you can, arrange for your daughter to meet some of her soon-to-be new friends over the holidays, but avoid making these artificial occasions. It is usually best if these meetings arise out of a prior meeting, possibly at a New Girls' day at school in the previous Summer Term, rather than as some sort of a blind date, and don't try to force the issue if your child is shy - she will have plenty of opportunity to meet and make friends in her first few days at school, when there will be a shared focus of activity for all the pupils; meeting outside school can be helpful in developing relationships, but will not be helpful if everyone feels awkward. However, if you know any of the parents whose children are either at your child's new school or who are joining with your child, then do make a real effort to have a joint family get-together at least once in the summer holidays, so that your child will know some more familiar faces when she starts.
Build up to the first day of school gently but with excitement, making sure that your child knows how excited you are too about her embarking on this new phase of her education. She may seek reassurance from you that you will miss her, so give her oodles of time and unconditional love ... and don't forget to manage your own emotions carefully. You have chosen a boarding school because you know that it will offer your child an amazing education which she is ready to embrace; you also know that she will be home often, and probably for longer periods of quality time overall than if she went to a day school. Knowing all of this logically, however, does not always translate into emotions, which may well be more turbulent. Your child is growing up, and while this is what we as parents want for our children, it can also be hard! Your child will pick up on any conflicting feelings you have, however, and will probably misinterpret them, so make a real effort to focus on the (wonderful) positives. Enjoy the last few days of summer, and enjoy looking forward together to the start of a new term.
Finally, once the first day has arrived, make sure that you follow the school's guidance on how to keep in touch with your child - how often, when, and where. Your child's new school will have vast experience in helping children settle in well, and will have programmes up and running, ready to whisk your child into action and into the heart of what is going on. You need to feel part of this, so don't hesitate to phone or email at any time to see what is going on, and how your child is settling. Make sure that all your phone calls and the first weekends at home are really positive, focusing on all that your child is learning and doing. Before you know it, your child will be a fully-fledged, happy boarder.