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Mom's in the Middle
Last year I married a wonderful man. I thought we would have a happy life, but now we live in his house and my ten-year-old daughter hates it.
Her dad was never around, and my husband, her bonus dad, wants to form a close knit family, but he also wants to have set rules, mostly to keep her room clean, pick up after herself, and get good grades in school.
She is really resisting his rules, which I don't think he is asking too much from her. She gets mad at him and he gets mad at her and then she takes it out on me. My 13 year old son thinks my husband is wonderful and is very happy.
I certainly understand how much you want to make this new family work, and also that you'd like your children to have a father who is interested in them and active in their lives.
However, I think that perhaps your enthusiasm for this "happy family" is interfering somewhat with your being able to empathize with your daughter's point of view.
Despite the fact that her father was not involved in her life, he is still her father and any new man in this role will feel like a threat to her. You have made a very quick transition to this new relationship, and living with your new partner, but perhaps it has not yet been enough time for your daughter to get used to it. You will have to be patient and give her more time.
It is particularly difficult for children to respond well to a bonus parent disciplining them in the early stages of a relationship. If your partner makes the rules for your daughter and you expect her to obey them, I believe you are decreasing the possibility dramatically that she will ever have a good relationship with him or him with her.
It is very important that you be the one to set the rules in the house, not him. She should not have to see him as a 'bad guy' in any way. He should be the 'fun', lenient parent who is more like a friend than a parent. This may need to be for a year or more, so they can bond successfully in a positive way.
"It is particularly difficult for children to respond well to a bonus parent disciplining them in the early stages of a relationship."
Also, it is important not to dramatically change the rules in your children's lives, simply as a result of living with your new partner. Your daughter will struggle even more if she thinks this relationship is responsible for making her life difficult.
Lastly, you should keep in mind that it could be very difficult for her to have moved into his home, feeling very displaced and without any say in the matter. It is not surprising to me that she is acting out, angry and refusing to comply.
While perhaps she does need counseling, I believe that you will find it more useful to get counseling for the whole family, or for you and your partner, to learn how to help your daughter adjust, without feeling as if she's being punished for struggling to do so.
Remember, your eagerness to be in this relationship, will not force her to easily fit in with your plan, even if you wish she would do so. Forcing her to be the only one to have counseling will not be a healthy message for her nor will it produce the result that you ultimately want--peace in your family.
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