I remember all too well how difficult it was for me to make friends as a youngster. I have terrible eyesight and had glasses by second grade, and for many years I hid behind the thick lenses and found myself as a shy child without many friends. And while I had a few close friends (and lots of secret crushes ) in my elementary school years, I was not very good at making friends. Shy children often struggle with making friends and find themselves missing out on the childhood experience of having lasting friendships.
The good news is that fathers can do a lot to help their shy children learn to make friends. If you have a shy child, here are some specific tips you can use and approaches you can take to help your shy child learn to make friends.
Provide opportunities for kids to interact. Getting your shy child to interact in small groups is a great place to start. Children learn by example, and as they see other children interacting, they tend to feel better about their own ability to approach others. Consider getting together with other dads and kids in playgroups where there is a consistent and predictable group of kids and parents. Repetitive contact with the same kids often makes forming friendships more natural.
Make your home kid friendly. Kids tend to gravitate to the homes of other kids where there are lots of things to do and ways to interact. If you have a yard, get a swingset, a playhouse or a tree fort for the kids. If not, have some fun things to do in the house like video game consoles , board games , laser tag sets and the like. Even a Frisbee can be a good tool for interacting. And then have some good tasting but healthy treats around to entice the kids there. Your shy child will be a bit more comfortable on his own turf, and getting kids to play at his home will help him socialize better.
Show them how to converse with others. Children learn by modeling the behavior of their parents, so bring them with you and involve them in your conversations with others. When you are at the grocery store, engage the store clerk or the bagger in conversation. Take your shy child to the occasional wedding reception or other social event where adults interact. Make friends with your child's school teacher and drop in occasionally with the child after school to interact. As they watch your conversation skills, they will learn greater personal confidence.
Spend time at play modeling good social behavior. The importance of quality time with our children cannot be overestimated, and it is even more critical with our shy children. As you engage in creative play with them, model good interaction skills. While you are playing with the boys in the yard, plot a strategy together to take the fort or attack the other team. Ask for your child's opinion on things and praise her when she offers her own ideas. If you find yourself playing Barbies with your daughter (and most dads at one time or another do), model good social interaction between your doll and hers. Every small reinforcement of social skills matters.
Be the designated driver. One good way to observe your child's interactions is to volunteer to be the carpool dad with other kids in the neighborhood. You can get a very quick sense of your child's social skills be observing her on the way to and from school or soccer. Notice how well she does, praise what she does right and offer suggestions when you notice some poor interactions. You can also get a sense of what the other children are doing and talking about, and can offer some insights into how to engage them in conversation.
Start slowly and practice. It is important to let friendships develop naturally and over time. Don't be impatient, and don't try to force your children into friendships that won't seem natural to them. Make lots of baby steps and praise the behavior you want to reinforce.
Coach them through. Dads often seem to be at their best when they are in coaching mode . Coaches observe their players carefully and teach them the skills they think are missing or need further development. They run drills (practice the skills) and look for good examples of what behaviors they want the child to model. Be their "relationhsip coach" and support your shy children's efforts at making friends.
Help them talk about the other person. As adults, we all know that a person's favorite subject is usually himself. Teach your shy child to interact with others by engaging them in conversations about the other's life and interest. Questions like "What is your favorite subject at school?" or "What sport do you like to play?" will often start a good child-level conversation.
Remember the value of a smile. Often, approaching another person with a smile on your face will break the ice and start a friendship off to a good start. Shy children may have trouble smiling a lot, and helping them learn the value of a smile can be a big step forward. And that starts by your smiling at them a lot too.
Making friends is a skill that all children need, and shy children seem to need a little bit of extra training and coaching. Creating positive, lasting friendships is one of the great joys of childhood, and a few steps in the right direction from their coaching dad can make all the difference in the world.